the other side of despair
by cyclothimic
Summary: or Lena and Lexa were notorious criminals, Kara and Clarke were FBI and CIA agents respectively, Lena was Kara's childhood best friend and longtime love, and Kara had no idea what to do.


**saw a prompt on tumblr, decided to write it, wanted to make it fluffy, ended up making it angsty, it's kinda what i do.**

 **don't talk to me about _she is your have to have_. i am very angry at it right now. **

**now, read, ponder, and enjoy.**

* * *

 _The greatest lie ever told about love is that it sets you free._

 _-On Beauty, Zadie Smith_

* * *

The bullpen was quiet for once. Agents were seated at their cubicles, heads buried deep in procedural paperwork and occasional YouTube videos for mild entertainment. Suspects, criminals, and witnesses were seated at the bench, waiting to be called into the interrogation to be scared out of their wits. Superiors were locked behind closed doors of their offices, doing whatever they usually did.

Kara wished the quiet would welcome her as well as it welcomed the bullpen and her colleagues. Questions and doubts milled about her head as she stared at the file opened on her desk, consisting a total of thirty-two pages on the most notorious crime lord in the city. And yet, there were no photos attached, because while The Shiv was a renowned name in the Underworld, they were also incredibly smart in hiding traces and covering up tracks, ensuring their anonymity anywhere.

Anyone could run into The Shiv at a burger joint or something and didn't know that they were conversing with a criminal who was really good at what they did.

The Shiv's case file had been with her for a year, having only surfaced last spring but had risen through the ranks to make their way to the top of their Most Wanted list. Kara hated them – for keeping her up for nights on end, for never showing their face, for their elusive tricks in the trade that made her invisible, for the fucked up ideals they carried that almost turned them into Robin Hood and made Kara want to let them do their stuff because it was actually working in terms of weeding out the corrupt and the evil in the _country_.

No, Kara didn't really hate them that much.

 _Still_ , she would give anything just to close the file permanently and move on.

"Stop it."

She lifted her eyes from the file to see her reluctant partner standing by her cubicle, holding a file of her own. "Stop what?"

Clarke rolled her eyes. "You won't get any closer to closing that file even if you stare at it long enough to burn it," she said. "It's Saturday. I have it on good authority that your sister is waiting for you at a bar somewhere. And it's supposed to be your day off."

Kara wrinkled her nose. She looked at the file Clarke was holding. "You don't seem to be giving up on Trigger yourself."

"Instead of trying to burn this with my own eyes, I want to literally burn it," Clarke grumbled.

Kara had The Shiv to occupy her brain, and Clarke had Trigger. Partners on the right side of the law trying to capture partners in crime; the irony of it all wasn't lost on Kara. "You want some help?"

The other blonde raised her brows. "You wouldn't wanna burn that." She pointed at the open file on Kara's desk. "I haven't worked with you long, but I'm pretty sure you're already half in love with a criminal whose face you don't even know."

"I – No! You take that back!" Kara flustered, eliciting a smirk from Clarke. "Anyway, I wasn't going to burn mine. I want help you burn yours." She then smiled as sweetly as possible. "Then I get to take all the credit myself when I solve the case."

A groan escaped Clarke. "You can have it. I'm so tired of looking at a faceless file and having my mother asks me about it day in and day out." She went quiet for a bit and then asked, "Do you think we'll get fired for this?"

"Well, files get lost in the FBI all the time. That's why we computerize them. The CIA, on the other hand –" Kara drifted off, clicking her tongue with a playful smile.

"I honestly don't know they think partnering us up is a good idea," Clarke grumbled. "You have never been helpful for the five months we've been working together."

"Pot, meet kettle." Kara frowned, looking at the time displayed on her laptop. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"To drop this so you can _computerize_ the updated file," Clarke mocked, widening her eyes just a little. "And then I'm gonna bounce and find someone to have sex with. It's _Saturday_ , Danvers."

Kara looked at the newly acquired file, and then she huffed, standing up as she shut down her laptop and shoved the files into her bag. "You wanna join me and Alex? Olsen's buying."

Clarke shook her head. "I have my own posse, thank you very much. I'll see you whenever."

"Yeah," Kara said, waving at her CIA partner as she walked away. She still had fifteen minutes before her sister strangled her for being late.

* * *

The Shiv was not a thief, as far as Kara was concerned. They bribed, they extorted, they corrupted, they laundered, they gambled, they racketeered, but they did not _steal_. So Kara honestly did not know what they were doing here.

"What are we doing here?" she complained for umpteenth time, glaring at Alex.

"To stop The Shiv." Alex had received word about a heist at the West National City Bank. Why anyone would think a heist would be in the forte of the Homeland Security was beyond her. But here they were, and somehow Alex was here as well. She had somehow assumed that The Shiv would be involved, and she wanted to help Kara "get that son of a bitch so you could finally get some rest."

Kara huffed, rolling her eyes. "The Shiv does not steal," Kara said. A hand was thrust in Alex's face before she could say anything. "Look, I know their profile. I've been all over it for _a year_. I know what I know, and The Shiv does not _steal_."

"The Shiv has stolen plenty," Clarke remarked in the earpiece.

That statement wasn't _untrue_. The Shiv had indeed stolen plenty. But Kara also admired the fact that they stole, given that their targets were often corrupted government officials and one per centers who deserved to rot in a ditch.

Never had they ever done anything to harm the general population – the middle and the lower classes in the country. Often, the people that The Shiv had done anything to were people who had something to hide, and Kara had arrested plenty of those people because she was chasing The Shiv's trail. Sometimes, she really thought that they should thank The Shiv, rather than place them on the top of the Most Wanted list.

"Yeah, but not _directly_. I mean, you've read The Shiv _and_ Trigger's profiles. You _know_ that they've only gained through indirect methods, and never a direct _heist_. Come on!" She threw her hands up in frustration. She could have been home, bingeing White Collar and laughing at the inaccuracies of their operations. "And what are _you_ even doing here?" she directed at Clarke. "This is not CIA's jurisdiction."

"I'm in charge of Trigger's file. And if this has something to do with them, I want to take pleasure in arresting them too."

"I'm telling you: they won't be here," Kara insisted. "And you!" she snapped again, pointing at her sister, the only Homeland Security agent on the field. "You're not even supposed to be here."

"Do not be an ungrateful little sister." Alex narrowed her eyes at the blonde. "Also, Maggie has something up at the NCPD and I'll get bored at home. _Also_ , even if The Shiv is not involved, it is still your duty to be here, because you are a part of the law enforcement and –"

"I've heard that lecture from Mom before; I don't need to hear it from you."

"How are you two sisters?" Clarke piped in.

"Adopted," Kara and Alex contributed simultaneously, throwing each other a fond look.

Clarke groaned. "Oh, there it is."

The FBI agent played with her fingers, threw looks around the van, and wrinkled her nose a couple of times for the next fifteen minutes. And then she huffed, slapping her lap and then standing up to her feet. "I'm bored. The Shiv is not going to be here. But if I'm here, I want to be out there. You don't even have _pot stickers_ here, for Christ's sake." Before Alex could stop her, she had already thrown open the doors and stepped out of the back of the van, making a beeline towards the alley and entering through the side entrance.

"I'm playing a pretty fun game of solitaire with myself if you wanna join," Clarke offered, a smirk apparent in her voice.

Solitaire was a fun game, and she was of half the mind to join Clarke, but then the alarm rang all over the place. She jumped, a hand on her holster as her in-built alarm echoed with the real one. If The Shiv was involved, Kara was pretty sure that they wouldn't be so careless as to set off the alarms.

"Did you set it off?" Alex barked in her earpiece, almost inaudible against the loud blaring of the alarm.

"If I did, they need to change their alarm because it's five minutes late!" Kara yelled back, running down the corridor, eyes sweeping through the transparent glasses that were set up as barriers between rooms and offices.

When she stepped foot in one particular office, the door slammed close behind her, causing her to jump again. And then…the alarm stopped. Her brows furrowed deeper. As opposed to the alarm, the current silence was becoming increasingly anxiety-inducing with each second that passed where nothing was said or heard.

She spoke into her earpiece, calling out Alex and Clarke's names, but all she got was static. Spinning around on her feet, she pulled on the door knob, and it wouldn't _budge_.

"What the fuck?" came out in a hiss.

"Language, Kara," a voice said from behind her, teasing and bemused.

She swung around again, and then her eyes widened. " _Lena_?"

"Hello, Kara. You've earned quite the potty mouth," the woman said, tilting her head to the left – something she always did when she was amused but wanted to keep mum.

She did that when Kara fell from the tree at five years old. She did that when Kara forgot to hand in their English essay in third grade. She did that when Kara was a sopping mess at the day of Lena's departure. She was doing it now and Kara, who used to smile back and have to fight back the urge to hug her for that look, wanted to smack it right off her face.

Hair the color of crows and ravens flowed in waves down her shoulders and back, still perfectly framing that perfectly shaped face. Emerald green eyes were piercing, as recalled in memory, and expertly reticent in the dark of the room, only further accentuated by the moonlight streaming in the window. Those lips were only made more kissable by the sharp red lipstick applied, quirked in a simultaneous smirk and melancholic smile.

"What – you – I see you've learned to wear makeup." Kara closed her eyes as soon as those words escaped her lips, failing to believe that _that_ was what she came up with after her short bout of stutters. She was certain there were going to be more stutters.

Lena cocked a brow, and Kara's heart seemed to pound faster beneath her ribs. "Comes with being an adult woman."

The blonde inhaled sharply and then exhaled as slowly as she could, as if the moment could be prolonged and she would have more time to process the utter _presence_ of Lena Luthor. The door acted as a brace as she leaned back against it; otherwise, she would just melt into a pool because her knees had gone weak. She avoided Lena for awhile, catching the library of financial books stacked up in a bookshelf at her left, the cat statue on the right corner of the desk, and the leather chairs in front of the desk. And then she looked at Lena.

It didn't take her long to sum it up, honestly. And when the equation came together, real rage rose like a wildfire that had been ignited since last year and was further stoked rapidly tonight. The rage consumed her, overcoming the joy that she felt at finally seeing her friend again. Used to be best friend, but that probably would not happen again.

She clenched her fists at her side, shoving them in her jacket pocket, and looked down at her sneakers. "Eight years," she muttered, gritting her teeth.

"You grew up nice."

"Eight years."

"Do you think I can get a hug?"

"Eight years."

"Or you know, you could kiss me like you did last time. I wouldn't be opposed."

" _Eight years_ ," she roared, pushing away from the door and stalking towards the desk, leaning on it with the support of her fists as she shot Lena her best glare. Lena seemed unperturbed, but the smirk had dissolved into the smile. "Do you have any idea what –" She stopped herself, standing upright and looking away again. "I cannot believe you," she said, quieter, but Lena, the person who knew her best besides Alex – she suspected still did – would most likely hear the unbridled anger in her tone.

The raven haired woman was quiet for a bit. She used to be a girl, a girl who never failed to put a smile on Kara's face, but she was now a woman, a woman who Kara didn't know at all if her assumption was correct. "I missed you," Lena finally said.

"You're the one who left."

"I'm the one who wants to protect you."

Kara scoffed, a bitter grin pulling at her lips as she looked back to Lena. "Right."

"Trust me, Kara –"

" _How_?" Kara quipped. She raised her brows questioningly at her former best friend. She threw her arms in the arm, gesturing at the nothingness between them, once filled with something that had dissipated over the last eight years. " _How_ do I do that? How do I trust you? You went away for _eight_ years. You left me _alone_ for _eight_ years. You cut me off. And now, you come back as the…the…"

"Say it," Lena probed.

Moisture gathered up behind her eyes, hidden behind her glasses. She closed her mouth in a frown, shaking her head at the woman sitting calmly behind the desk. "You _promised_ me –"

"I am keeping that promise."

"You're _The Shiv_!" Kara finally made herself yell it. "You call becoming the most notorious crime lord and making your way to the top of the Most Wanted list in almost every single American criminal database keeping that promise?"

Lena rose from the chair. She gradually rounded the desk, standing much closer to Kara when she finally stopped in front of the FBI agent. Using the desk as a support, she propped her ass against it. Kara took a step back, unsure of her own and Lena's actions if they kept close proximity. She needed space for this confrontation, for what she had to do when it ended. The cuffs burned against her ass, tucked in her back pocket.

"You are the _worst_."

"Yes, I am." Kara blinked. She expected Lena to put up more of a fight to defend herself. "I am doing what I'm doing to protect you. That was what we promised each other; I am keeping it."

"Will you stop smiling?"

"I can't."

"Stop smiling."

"It is really good to see you, Kara."

"Stop it."

"Why?"

She stared at the raven haired woman, struggling with her own instincts and desires, both of which were clashing with each other at the moment. A war was waging, internally and externally. She didn't know what to do to stop it.

She was a member of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, sworn an oath and all that. Lena Luthor was the kind of people she cuffed and put behind bars.

She was also a woman who had never gotten over the crush that burgeoned into a full blown love for her childhood best friend. Lena Luthor was the woman she wanted to spend her life with.

Fragility took the prize. "Because if you keep smiling," she enunciated carefully, admitting to both Lena and herself, "I'd kiss you."

Lena had always had a teasing personality, always trying to provoke anyone she could to get them act. In fifth grade, she made so many corrections to their Biology teacher's teachings that Mr. Johnson resigned. In sixth grade, she set fire to the chemistry lab to prove a point to one of the jocks who thought he knew better and ended up peeing his pants. In senior year, she told Kara she had to move away and Kara kissed her.

She expected Lena to keep smiling, but instead, she dropped it, replaced by a somber and regretful expression.

So much had changed over the past eight years, and Kara wasn't sure what she could do to rewind and stop Lena from leaving to turn into…this.

Kara sighed, tired all of a sudden. "I'm assuming all this is a part of your plan." Lena nodded. "You never intended to steal anything, did you?" Lena nodded. "You planted the information in the Homeland Security network." Lena nodded. "Why?"

"I wanted to see you."

"It's not that simple."

"It is."

"You're not simple."

"I am."

"You've never been simple."

"I can be."

"Why, Lena?"

The other woman crossed her arms, her gaze flickered over to the cat statue seated on the desk next to her hip. She picked it up and fiddled with it. "Isn't it funny how I've spent so many years avoiding you and you end up getting my file anyway?" she asked. "Life is a cruel, cruel creature." Kara couldn't agree more. Lena put the statue back where it was. "You need to close the file, Kara."

"You're kidding."

Lena shook her head. "Not when it comes to you."

"What?"

"Something much bigger is at play here. I'm trying to fix it. It is dangerous and it is far worse than what you think it is. If it was any other agent, I would have let it be. I would have let them die for all I care. But it's you. You're the one holding my file. And my friend cares about your friend, for some reason." Kara wasn't stupid enough to not know she was talking about Trigger, yet another mysterious face in this whole mess. "We would be awfully relieved if you two will go back to your righteous lives of upholding the law and let us fix it."

" _You_ are the reason why I'm upholding the law."

Lena nodded. "We are." Kara frowned. "Look, if I could, I wouldn't have staged this whole thing just to see you. And you may not trust me, but I _am_ protecting you, or trying. And part of that is asking you to drop it. Please, Kara."

The FBI agent used to not be able to say no to that face. Then again, she didn't used to be an FBI agent. While she felt the urge to melt her resolve and agree, while she found that she was still clinging to the idea of her irreplaceable best friend, while she was still madly entranced with this woman, she had also grown much tougher over the past eight years.

"That's not going to happen."

Lena heaved a chuckle, pushing away from the desk. "I saw that coming." She took a step closer to Kara, chest to chest. "Kara Danvers," she whispered, reaching up to brush a strand of hair behind Kara's ear and then cupping her cheek. Kara used up all her strength to not lean into the touch that she had terribly missed. "Always driving me crazy."

When Lena leaned in to plant a kiss on her cheek, Kara closed her eyes, allowing herself to relish the warmth of those lips and the mere proximity between them. When the warmth was gone, she opened her eyes to find that Lena was gone as well.

The cuffs might as well be on fire now.

Kara and Clarke on the van on the way back to the FBI headquarters. The lecture that Alex was giving them was lost to their ears. When they reached the headquarters, the two blondes ignored the looks shot their way as they locked themselves in one of the interrogation rooms.

"I made out with Trigger," Clarke revealed after almost an hour of complete silence.

Kara didn't know how to tell her that The Shiv was her childhood best friend, the woman she was in love with and _still_ in love with, so she kept quiet, only nodding in acceptance.

Lena Luthor, always driving her crazy.

* * *

 **i don't think i need to say it for you to know that lexa is trigger. i got kinda obsessed with writing supercorp and clexa crossovers? i know there isn't much clexa in here but teehee i'm thinking of turning this into a series so who knows?**


End file.
